On one occasion I was engaged in a semi-heated discussion with my parents, who were challenging me on my lack of commitment to my schooling. I had developed a number of unresourceful habits and had become lazy with some of my subjects. Simply put, I was failing.
My parents, of course, wanted me to be able to capitalize on opportunities afforded by my capabilities. I wanted to take the path of least resistance. They would ask a question and I would provide an excuse. They would ask another question and I would repeat the process. For me, a quick-witted teenager (or so I thought), it seemed all too easy to redirect their questions toward others.
Then, after a number of these exchanges, my Dad finally said, "how convenient when it is always someone else’s fault."
That stopped me in my tracks. He had hit the bullseye, and there was no way I could respond save one–to take responsibility for my actions.
I know now that my parents had my best interests at heart. Not only that, but they chose to engage in an uncomfortable conversation to ensure that I didn’t head toward a path of unnecessary turmoil.
Today, I work with people and organizations all around the world. Many of those who reach out to us have exhausted their current resources and are open to new ideas or alternatives. I routinely engage in uncomfortable conversations with people about their career progression and leadership understanding to determine if they are interested in real change or simply going through the motions. Inevitably, I think back to that exchange with my parents, and I ask myself: Is this person willing to take responsibility for their own circumstances, or not?
In short, do they have a blame mindset?
The Blame Mindset: What Is It and How To Spot It
There are two factors you must take into account when determining if you are dealing with someone who has a blame mindset: context and personality.
Context
In this case, context means the situation in which the person looking for help is operating. It is important not to confuse “context” with “excuses.” While excuses are geared towards blaming someone/something else, context explains how and why the individual arrived at the decision to try and find assistance.
Personality
When evaluating the personality of the individual, the language they use when describing their problem is key in determining whether they are harboring a blame mindset. For example:
- “I couldn’t do anything because they were a bunch of jerks”
- “They made me do ______”
- “They did _____ to me”
Now, some people have experienced some genuinely unfair, unreasonable, and inequitable things, in which case the above sentiments may be warranted and a blame mindset is unlikely. The distinction lies in the way they frame situations. For example, Person A might frame their situation by saying:
“I have found myself in a situation that I know is not working for me. I am experiencing tough times in my family life, my job, and my health. I am keen to see where the opportunities exist in order to change what I can in order to head towards a better trajectory.”
This is a world apart from Person B:
“I just got fired from my job because they couldn’t handle the information I was telling them. I don’t think they could deal with the fact that I knew what was going on and they didn’t. My partner is being a real jerk about it too and they are just siding with the business. Everyone else doesn’t just get me and the fact that I know what I am talking about threatens them.”
Conversations like these are part and parcel of the operating environment for someone in my profession. Sometimes, the indicators of a blame mindset are more subtle. Sometimes, it’s very obvious. But sooner or later, through asking the right open-ended questions, the true personality emerges. This, combined with the context of the situation, will determine if coaching is a viable option or if a blame mindset has already set in.
Accountability: The Blame Mindset Antidote
One of my mentors once explained to me: "You cannot change someone’s mind. All you can do is provide additional information that might lead them to a different conclusion."
It’s good advice, but over the years I’ve realized it’s incomplete. It’s not only the information you provide, but how you provide it, that helps lead people in the right direction. At the end of the day, however, the buck still stops with the individual.
Someone who has a deeply ingrained blame mindset is virtually impossible to help. Anything that goes well is attributed to them and their selfless brilliance. Anything that goes poorly was the fault of others, the environment, a change in circumstance, and so on. Sadly, but not surprisingly, these people find themselves subtly ostracized as their cohorts move away from their draining, self-centered energy.
When I see that a person has adopted a blame mindset, I have a choice to make. I can accept this person’s money and attempt to guide them to a different conclusion. Or I can call out the issue by saying something like, "Has it ever occurred to you that, in all these stories of other people’s failings, the single point of consistency is you?"
When you ask a question like this, people will do one of two things: attack or consider.
Getting defensive is often a symptom of a deeply ingrained blame mindset. Therefore, those that attack are rarely good candidates for coaching.
For those that consider the information, there may still be hope for them to adopt an accountability mindset. Not to be confused with a guilt mindset (where "everything" is your fault) or victim blaming (which is simply another iteration of the blame mindset), the accountability mindset prompts you to take ownership of the role you play in your current circumstances. It also encourages you to accept the likelihood that, to effect the change you are looking for, you will have to change yourself to some degree as well.
People who adopt an accountability mindset often make the most significant and influential leaders by building cultures centered around personal responsibility. It is in these environments that nurture new ideas and drive progress. But no one can build a flourishing ecosystem when everything that goes wrong is always "someone else’s fault."
Conclusion
Adopting a blame mindset almost always ends in failure. People have limited patience for those with no interest in acknowledging their transgressions, and will not trust such leaders as a result. Without accountability, their employees will leave in droves.
It is also important not to confuse people with the blame mindset with those who have endured true hardships and whose grievances are justified. However, even when this is the case, the best way for these individuals to re-empower themselves is to take ownership of identifying and preventing future bad scenarios, both for themselves and others.
This empowerment can begin by being about who you spend your time with. If you hang around people who shirk blame and adopt a victim mentality, it won't be long until you begin adopting the same behaviors and thoughts.
Personally, I make no apologies about filtering who I do and do not let into my professional and personal spheres. If someone can’t learn from their mistakes because they feel they have never made any, then we are at a crossroads. One which will send us on different paths.
For leaders looking to empower their people, the answer is simple: give them choices to own. No one should feel that everything is always happening to them. Illustrate how powerful they are and show them how much they have learned through their previous experiences, especially if those experiences were particularly arduous or unfair. Only then do we see people move forward in the world, protected by a suit of armor forged in accountability.
And that goes double for leaders. Wear your failures and lessons learned as a badge of pride. Let it strengthen your reputation and character. And when you make a mistake, own it. It is your opportunity to improve. Yours, and no one else’s.
