A few weeks ago I saw a comment from David Goggins which read:

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We would agree, it is a brutal comment, delivered without any pulling of punches.

In all honesty, my first temptation was to get a little defensive and push back with self-fabricated rationalisations about why he is just a jerk, and what would he know? But I fought the urge, and bit my ego and looked into the topic further.

Needless to say David’s comment got me thinking very deeply. I laid awake thinking about this very problem.

Has society just become incrementally weaker to the point that individuals can succeed by just having a little self-discipline?

Have we talked a big game about resilience, toughness, grit, and ‘rising with the tide’ and then committed to doing the opposite?

Objectively there might be some indications to suggest he might be on to something.

Suicides rates are incrementally rising

“A total of 3,318 people took their own lives in Australia in 2019, at a rate of 12.9 deaths per 100,000. This represents an increase of 6 per cent from the previous year. Over the decade since 2009, the number of deaths by suicide has increased by 33 per cent.” – Australian Institute of Health & Welfare

Mental Health issues appear to being affecting our younger communities more than an our older ones.

“Comparing the prevalence of Mental Health conditions by generation during the nationwide lockdown in the June quarter 2020 shows younger Australians were far more likely to have experienced Stress, Anxiety or Depression than their older counterparts.” – Roy Morgan, Mental Health conditions, Anxiety and Depression increased rapidly during lockdown

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I decided to look at search terms used in Google since 2004, with some interesting results:

Searches for ‘safety’ have increased incrementally over time:

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Searches for ‘mental health’ have dropped and then incrementally risen again over the last 8 years:

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Searches for ‘resilience’ have increased incrementally over time:

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Searches for ‘safe spaces’ have increased over time with occasional spikes (most notably around 2015/16):

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Searches for ‘discipline’ have decreased over time:

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Searches for ‘self-discipline’ have been incrementally dropping with a monumental increase since COVID19

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Observations

I am the first to admit that this does not constitute any level of ‘causal evidence,’ but I would hope we would agree it is interesting as a minimum.

Observation 1. One interesting observation is that the search for the word ‘resilience’ has increased on a similar trajectory to ‘safety’ and ‘safe spaces.’ Is it plausible we have attributed resilience with safety? Have we linked the two? What does that mean for our understanding of the term resilience, which is more often defined as ‘one’s ability to bounce back from adversity,’ which should not be confused with ‘one’s ability to stop bad things happening’ (more akin to safety or risk management).

Observation 2. People have had an increase in interest in the term ‘mental health’, which might suggest that our lack of mental health resilience is not due to a lack of awareness. This would require much more analysis to prove this however.

Observation 3. What draws most of my attention is the massive increase spike in people searching for the term ‘self-discipline,’ at the exact same time COVID19 became relevant. Is it plausible that COVID19’s prompting of isolation, attacks on social norms, and forcible changes of environments, has forced many people to go back to the drawing board?

Is it also plausible that for a very long time people have been subtly but gradually moving towards safety, but have forgotten to concurrently improve their personal strength (more specifically strength of character and resilience)? Have we set ourselves up for disaster by willingly lowering our guard?

I am starting to think there might be a case that would suggest so…

In my research about this topic I came across a powerful resource that hit me like a ton of bricks. The impact was due to my responsibility as a parent and as a coach/educator. It left me somewhat uncomfortable to say the least. Jordan Peterson (Clinical Psychologist) explains:

Referring back to David Goggin’s original post, despite his lack of tact, it seems that on the surface there seems enough indication to suggest it is a topic worth investigating further, and he might be onto something.

Conditioning

As a parent I would hate to think that I have over-protected my children to a point of ‘learned helplessness,’ a term coined by American psychologist Martin E.P. Seligman in the late 1960’s. The term was suggested in response to experiments with dogs in which some would receive unavoidable electric shocks and some would receive avoidable shocks. Those dogs that had received unavoidable shocks often reached a point of conditioning where they would fail to take action in subsequent actions, whereas dogs that hadn’t received unavoidable shocks would take actions to prevent it in the future. In essence, those that had received unavoidable shocks would eventually give up and take what was dished at them, ultimately ‘accepting their lot’. In effect, they had accepted that their environment was going to ‘happen to them’ as opposed to conceiving they could do anything about it. Some might attribute this to a ‘victim mentality,’ although there are nuances that could distinguish the two topics.

Of note, the same styled experiment was conducted with humans (utilising loud noises) yielding very similar results. Seligman coined the term ‘learned helplessness’ to describe the expectation that outcomes are uncontrollable.

Have we become so addicted to the pursuit of safety that we have become slaves to our protective environments?

Key Distinctions

Jordan Peterson, the same man in the video above also asked “Question for parents: do you want to make your children safe, or strong?”

Safety vs Strength

Safety. It makes sense to me on a conceptual level that safety is contextual to the scenario. i.e. efforts to make an environment safe are only relevant up until we walk out of that environment, or the environmental conditions are forcibly changed upon us. COVID19 is a great example of forcible changes to our circumstances and environment, and frankly, looking at the surface level data it doesn’t look like we did that great as a collective society.

Strength. Strength (attributed to our motivations and personal-discipline) is something we can take with us anywhere and everywhere. We can move from one environment to another and take our strength with us. Our discipline can be the mechanism of relevance from one scenario to the next. Why aren’t we talking more and more about strength and personal discipline? It seems like a great investment, albeit one that is fraught with uncomfortabilities.

Motivation vs Discipline

Motivation. Another key term that I feel is relevant is ‘motivation’ which can loosely be described as our thirst to achieve something (often with some form of reward at the end). It takes less than 10 seconds to scroll through a LinkedIn feed to see everyone’s interest in ‘motivation’. Fair enough too, because it is important! Motivation in this context acts as our North Star. It pulls us in a direction. It keeps us focused, with our head up. Keeping our eye on the prize (as it were). But let’s be honest with ourselves, motivation wanes over time. Anyone who has tried to half-arse a diet or exercise program will attest (PS I have no moral high ground to judge anyone, I too am in this group). That’s when personal discipline kicks in…

Self-Discipline. If motivation pulls, then discipline pushes. Discipline takes over the driver’s wheel when motivation gets tired of driving. It is the stark reminder of what we are running from. It is who we do not want to be! Anyone who has left a toxic relationship or workplace can attest. Similarly, anyone who has adopted unhealthy habits and has gotten to the point where they have had to do something about it will also know what I mean. In many ways, self-discipline links with overarching powerful drivers like ego, character, reputation and personal values. In my Infantry (military) days I can think back to many times where my motivation had all but dwindled but self-discipline begrudgingly kept my legs moving – particularly in an effort to not let myself or my team down.

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What I can say with absolute assurance is that this process of investigating this topic has shifted my perspectives. I will now be researching further and learning more about how discipline can be refined and incorporated.

If my article has prompted at least one person to do the same thing then it has been successful.

I am keen for people’s comments and ideas on this topic as I dare to open Pandora’s box.

If this article was interesting you might also enjoy some of our other articles located at our blog.

Safe travels.

Dave Neal

Many of the people that have arrived at this article have already entered this environment postured for war. Please lower your shields and spears, I come in peace.

I recently ran a poll where I braved the question: “Has political correctness gone too far?”

Poll Results - Political Correctness

Honestly, I knew I was opening a can of worms, but at the same time I have grown weary of tip toeing around issues. As I grow older and better define who I am, I also grow in resilience and thick skin.

What is it about this topic that polarises people so greatly? I have invested some significant thought into the topic and I feel I might have stumbled upon some insights.

Both parties are mostly saying the same thing, but in a different way. The reason for the confusion stems from the definitions we subscribe to and the frame of reference we use to contextualise the topic. Moreover, going through the extensive comments a number of patterns have emerged.

For the purposes of this article let’s break the poll into the two groups. The YES and NO groups.

YES group (those who believe that political correctness has gone too far). The emergent themes in the comments were:

  • Political correctness was a method of control in order to censor those that wish to speak the truth, resulting in the deceleration of cultural evolution.
  • People’s proclivity for taking offence was largely subjective and that people who were easily offended were overly sensitive and poorly adjusted to deal with conflict.
  • Censoring language was a violation of the communicator’s rights (particularly freedom of speech).
  • It demonstrates a lack of respect to censor people from the ‘truth’, or other people’s opinions.
  • Political correctness was a mechanism used by left wing individuals as a means of controlling people, under a banner of ‘politeness.’

NO group (those who believe that political correctness has not gone too far). The emergent themes in the comments were:

  • Political correctness is often a term used by people who wish to get away with disrespecting others, or not being held accountable for their actions.
  • Adding ‘political’ to the term adds to the divisiveness.
  • People who use the label ‘political correctness’ are often the ones ‘harassing’ others.
  • We do not fully understand our own biases and assumptions and therefore do not always know the damage we are causing others. The linkage here was towards accountability.
  • The cultural change is a natural evolution of society as we become more enlightened to the effects we have on others.
  • The main drive for change is centred around respect for others, and the provision for harmonious and inclusive communities and teams.

What was immediately obvious were the consistencies in language associated with respect, communication, labels, and oppression.

Assumptions

Both sides assumed ill intent.

Generally speaking, the YES category made the assessment that the other parties were deliberately trying to silence and suppress the objective truth, often because it was felt they couldn’t handle it. The NO category assumed that the yes voters were deliberately trying to change the system in an attempt to get away with doing the wrong things. This was not an isolated observation either. There were hundreds of comments across the breadth of conversations attributed to shares from the original post. In essence, both parties assumed the worst of each other.

The assertions they made about each other force fed the narrative of evilness and divisiveness which helped to alienate the other group. It also allowed people to stay comfortable exactly where they were, self-assured in the realisation that they were right, and the others were wrong.

I think if everyone is truly honest with themselves, they will realise that most people’s intent is pure. Most people I know are trying to make the best of their situations with the knowledge and resources they have available. This is not to say that there are not evil people out there, there most definitely are. But I would suggest they are not as prevalent as we would like to convince ourselves of, particularly when we are trying to make generalised assertions about political sidings and viewpoints.

Acknowledgement of this is a great start because it allows us to focus on the problem, not the person.

“Assume the worst about people and you get the worst”

Ha-Joon Chang

Bias

After looking at the results I think bias is one of the central issues. Not only about the topic of political correctness, but about most divisive topics in society today.

There is a term called ‘confirmation bias’ which explains the “tendency to search for, interpret, favour, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports one’s prior beliefs or values.” This is not a small issue. In fact, it is an incredibly dangerous and divisive issue in society today. Quite simply, what you are looking for you will find. The cumulative effects of this bias leads people to polarise. It acts in a manner that is similar in its characteristics to feedback in a microphone and speaker arrangement when the sound transmitted from a speaker is picked up by the microphone which sends a message back to the speaker to increase the volume, with the cycle ever-repeating. It is a viscous and escalating cycle that if left unchecked results in damage to the system.

Similarly, confirmation bias prompts someone to look for information that proves their existing narrative, then guides them towards finding information that proves it, then repeats the process. The repetition pulls the person further along the spectrum each time.

In this sense, we must always ask ourselves whether we would rather be right, or correct. They are fundamentally different things.

“I think it’s outrageous if a historian has a ‘leading thought’ because it means they will select their material according to their thesis.”

Antony Beevor

Filtering & Context

A commonly overlooked issue with people is our tendency to filter out information. Not just a little bit of information, but nearly all of it! Our brains are geared in such a way that they are trying to make sense of the world around us and navigate the incredible complexities it provides. The result of which is our inability to measure the world objectively and accurately.

No better example of this exists than in the unreliability of ‘eye-witness testimonies’ in court cases. “Although witnesses can often be very confident that their memory is accurate when identifying a suspect, the malleable nature of human memory and visual perception makes eyewitness testimony one of the most unreliable forms of evidence.” Greg Hurley, National Center for State Courts.

Our brains have managed complexity by attempting to reduce the scope of our focus. Our senses spend most of the time trying to remove the white noise and focus on the things that are deemed more important. This is a great function when used correctly, but without constant and careful attentiveness it can rapidly spiral into a stasis of bigotry, ignorance, and misinformation.

At the grass roots level, it results in ever extending separation of groups who in reality have many similarities or consistencies. What is scary is that the basis of our information, claims and opinions are most likely grounded in minimal truth, or as a minimum an absence of context.

When we delve ever deeper into the specific details of issues, we learn the utility and applicability of context. What might be true in one scenario is categorically wrong in another. To make matters even more complex is when we consider that someone might be right and wrong at the exact same time, depending on the frame of reference and context of the scenario. What is more challenging is when we consider that neither party might be right at all, and we may not have even stumbled across the correct answer yet as a collective.

If we fail to get into the detail and rely solely on the information provided by our senses, subjective experience and filters we are doomed to miss opportunities afforded in understanding context and truth.

Do not be so sure that what you have experienced is the truth.

“What you see is filtered through your beliefs. You rarely see “reality.” You see your version of it.”

Joe Vitale

Values and Beliefs

So where do we go from here? How can we start finding common language and understanding in order to have an amicable meeting of minds?

I think the path forward lies in our understanding and distinction of values and beliefs.

Values are guiding principles that overshadow our understanding of the world. They largely remain extant throughout our lives. They assist us in prioritising our efforts, altering our behaviours, and defining our identities.

Beliefs are different. They are an acceptance of something being true, often without proof. Beliefs can and do change throughout the course of our lives as our understanding of the world becomes more refined and higher resolution. Beliefs are also often used to help navigate specific situations, scenarios, or schemas.

This distinction is highly relevant. We often place too much weight on beliefs as opposed to values. We form allegiances with those people who hold the same belief system as opposed to those with the same values, and this works up until the point where our belief system is disproven or is made irrelevant due to context or additional information. Then the person is hit with an existential crisis that directly challenges their ego and core identity. People will then do one of two things:

  • Knuckle down to finding evidence that proves their belief correct and by extension, that they were right (confirmation bias).
  • Reassess their belief system to see whether it needs to change, and determine to what extent.

The former option is the most often to occur, resulting in further separation from the truth and a regression from personal growth.

The highest performing individuals and teams make a deliberate attempt to surround themselves with people who have like-values but different beliefs. The diversity is what fuels innovation and creativity, but it comes at a cost – awareness and accuracy.

The chaos and uncertainty that is inevitably created as a result of breaking down and rebuilding people’s belief systems is subsequently glued back together with the power of the values they all subscribe to. In the first instance, it is terrifying to be proven wrong, but knowing it came from an angle of love and was triggered by the pursuit of truth is what ultimately confirms its importance and relevance.

When implemented correctly the relationship survives and thrives, and a new cycle of growth is formed. A belief system is challenged, the relationship is re-glued by values, everyone grows, then the process is repeated.

Leadership & Influence

I would like to take the opportunity to share some advice (for what it’s worth) from my experience as a leader, learnt mostly from my mistakes.

If you are a leader you should not choose to be offended. The moment you become offended the dialogue stops. The moment the dialogue stops you lose your influence. The moment you lose your influence the person drifts in the other direction.

It takes significant courage, fortitude, and discipline to listen to people intently, absorbing their entire message. All this, whilst trying to find the context for why/how they arrived at that conclusion. It is a well recorded communication skill to be able to accurately and honestly depict another person’s opinion (in all its detail) without manipulating it into a narrative that suits our own purposes. This is an incredibly powerful skill to foster and maintain enduring relationships.

Our egos are ultimately the trap. They encourage us to cut others off and impart our opinion over theirs. The moment we choose to become offended we have decided to focus on the person, not the problem, and this does not work.

The other thing to consider is that the loudest people in the room very rarely hold the greatest influence. Be careful when the ‘squeaky wheel’ individual claims to represent the interests of an entire group, rarely is this the case (in my experience). It is quite often to find a silent majority who hold relatively consistent opinions. This group are sometimes reticent to communicate because it is perceived to be too hard to deal with the louder more dominating individuals, and is therefore fraught with avoidable dangers.

This is a shame because it speaks to the fundamentals around communication, openness, and honesty which professedly scaffold our communities and cultures. Maybe more important to recognise is the lack of dialogue and communication leads to regret, which subsequently morphs into resentment. I see this happening with the two groups in the political correctness debate, as people routinely mention their inability to speak out without being attacked.

If you think the damages associated with offending people are bad, wait until you see the results of drawn out resentment. They are quite literally the worst.

Closing

So, has political correctness gone too far? The answer is yes, no and it depends (very politically correct I know, but it is true).

The answer is case specific to individual societies and cultures. It is in varying levels in different places throughout the world, all of which hold different political structures and systems. A generalised answer about the topic or the people that voted is arguably unhelpful and only serves to fuel bias.

One could reasonably say that 84% of people saying something has gone too far is an objective indicator to consider that there is likely something amiss. But if it is to be fixed it requires further analysis and contextualisation to find those root causes that are triggering this answer.  It also needs people to leave their egos at the door. It is important to note that had I asked the question in a different way, it is likely I would have received an entirely different result. The frame of reference is important and cannot be overlooked for the sake of convenience.

All this considered, the incredible sway in one direction (based on the way I asked the question) might trigger some people to reassess the way they communicate with others. It might challenge preconceptions that individuals previously had on the topic. It might pressure test some people’s beliefs – and that is good thing. Hopefully, it might have shocked some people to delve further into the topic in a manner that might challenge their own belief systems, or the way they interact with others.

If it has achieved this, then we have collectively taken one small step in the right direction and that is a better place than we were previously. Sometimes that is all we can hope for.

Safe travels, and best wishes.

I hope you have enjoyed this article

When I was a young boy I made a monumental mistake.

My equally rebellious friends and I had managed to source a big box of matches. We thought it would be a great idea to go down to the makeshift BMX ramps which were located in the nearby pine forest that surrounded our suburb. One thing led to the next and before we knew it we had figured out that if you hold the match in a specific way and flick it with your other finger then you can shoot them at each other. So that is exactly what we did. We spent nearly an hour burning each other by shooting flaming matches at each other. It seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do at the time, but in the back of my mind I knew that if I got caught my Dad would kill me!

The very same man that achieved so much for so long by focusing intense energy on areas of his life that were deemed high priorities. This included his family, his work, his sport and community groups.

So, with this as knowledge I continued to burn my friends, as they burnt me – laughing and carrying on the entire time. Until something went wrong…

Who would have thought that hundreds of flaming matches in combination with a dry and arid Australian bushland would be a combination for a disaster? It didn’t take long before we realised we had started a small bush fire off to our flanks. We all snapped into gear taking off our shirts and trying to put out the small fire which by this time was beginning to spread. Then I thought to myself if Mum knew what I was doing with my T-Shirt right now, worse than killing me, she’d be disappointed!

The same woman that had selflessly focused on our family, providing us with good hearty values and morals. She had admirably progressed herself with poise, tact and dignity as she moved up the Corporate ladder into increasingly respected positions of leadership.

As it turned out, with a little bit of luck from some lateral wind we won the battle. Laying there panting, covered in unnecessary match burns a tall dark looming figure appeared over our heads. It was a man that lived on the borders of the forest we were playing in. He had heard the commotion and realised what was happening. We scattered to the four winds in a desperate attempt to escape. I got away and ran home.

Hours passed. Then a knock at the door…

There was my slightly chubby friend standing next to his Dad. There I was on the inside of the door standing next to my Dad. My heart practically stopped. It was now time to pay the piper. The Dad’s talked to each other. I could feel the rage in my father growing.

What eventuated was something unexpected.

When everyone had left and it was just us in the room, he turned to me and said one thing.

“You know better, where was your self-discipline?”

By no means was this the end of the ‘discussion’ or the ‘disciplinary process’ but it was the one thing I would remember vividly in my bones forever as it had come from one of the most disciplined men I know.

——————-

CONTEXT

Today’s society has evolved so rapidly influencing technology, populations, expansion, globalisation and leadership changes.

But in other ways society has regressed and it has been more subtle and insidious. In many areas within society we have seen a progressive shift away from our personal values as our compass, and personal discipline as our mechanism of delivery.

Slowly but surely, we made it more and more acceptable to withdraw from accountability. The truth has slowly been replaced with whatever language or actions make us more comfortable, instead of those that might keep us honest and accountable. This has been further exacerbated by a narrative that encourages people to be victims. We stopped telling people what they needed to hear, and instead reverted to telling them what they wanted to hear. We started making excuses for people in order to avoid having difficult conversations. All this has resulted in a significant paradigm shift that has left many people disenfranchised, disconnected and irrelevant to those around them.

It was Mahatma Gandhi. That said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”

Most people reading this would agree on one thing. Our minds are often geared to resist change (often due to a lack of incentives, fear of uncertainty or a perceived risk of losing what they already own). So, what is it that can help someone get out of their own way? What can we generally identify as the precursors which will prevent someone from taking positive action in their life? Here are some:

  1. Finding purpose and direction.
  2. Being responsible for the service to others.
  3. Fortitude, resilience and determination.
  4. Prioritisation of efforts.
  5. Plan of attack/delivery.

But these are all just feel good words and phrases unless they are overshadowed by a culture of discipline and action. Without discipline to act on these values and ideals people remain in a state of limbo, always talking a big game but never get anything done. These are the same people that have ‘opinions’ about most things, but rarely have the calloused knuckles of a person who actually works to achieve the goals and commit to the delivery.

DOING THINGS WE DON’T WANT TO DO, BUT NEED TO GET DONE

My time in the military showed me some of the most disciplined people in the world. They would stop at nothing to achieve the goals required for their individual and team success. They understood the interrelationship between self and team success, identifying that in most cases they were one in the same.

  1. If they were scared, they bit their lip and did it anyway.
  2. If they were uncertain, they reminded themselves of their relevance in the team and did it anyway.
  3. If they were under performing, they trained ridiculously hard in order to patch the gap.
  4. If they were hurt they found where they could still provide value and volunteered.

William Feather once stated, “if we do not discipline ourselves, the world will do it for us.”

Looking back now, boy was he right!?

HONESTY

Ask yourself the following questions honestly:

  1. Do you only do things when prompted or influenced by others?
  2. Do you understand your purpose to the point where it influences your daily activities and behaviours?
  3. Are you lazy?
  4. Do you routinely blame external influences or people for your lack of success?
  5. Do you judge other people on their lack of performance, but then demonstrate the same behaviours when no-one is looking?
  6. Are you unhealthy in body and mind, and was it as a result of laziness?

If the answer is unfavorable, then you have some serious life changing choices to make.

ACCOUNTABILITY

It is not someone else’s responsibility to keep you accountable. That responsibility lies solely and squarely on your shoulders.

Moreover, being disciplined does not mean being a jerk or being mean. It has absolutely no connection with being jaded, obtuse, offensive, rude or antisocial – quite the opposite actually. A disciplined person is in control of their behaviour, communication, and deliveries. They accept accountability when they get these things wrong and then subsequently improve without making excuses or demonising the other party.

As we approach the end of the year many of us will start posturing to make our New Year’s Resolutions. Two types of people will emerge from the pack. Those that follow through and commit to long-term behavioural changes, ultimately improving their lives and others. There will be another group of people that will talk a big game, dabble in temporary difficult work and then subsequently quit. The determiner for each of these types will be discipline. Better yet there will be a third group that see no need in waiting for New Years in order to start moving and fixing things, they will start immediately.

BE COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE

Life is not meant to be easy despite our best wishes. Life is experienced in an environment characterised by chaos, uncertainty and friction. The more we choose to place our fates in the environments that surround us the more we lose control of our own futures.

For many, it is time to start being uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable! So uncomfortable that it normalises and you finally realise that you are well positioned to make choices that can significantly improve your life and circumstances, or alternatively float along in a cloud of malaise.

Commit to something small and get it done. Find something slightly more difficult and get it done. Find something even more difficult and get it done…Rinse and repeat until you realise how much control over yourself and your future you really have! Have the discipline to finish something, and then everything.

CONCLUSION

If you want to truly step your life up to the next level then start accepting accountability for your actions. If you know there are behaviours that are unresourceful and are resulting in negative outcomes – Stop them! Surround yourself with people that are also on a journey of betterment. Hold them to account if they are to remain in your circle of influence. They should do the same for you. But, don’t rely on them to get your responsibilities fulfilled.

I trust this message will get to the one person that needs to hear it. It might be the very message which will lead you to a better outcome. It is written from an angle of love and respect.

For those committing to longer term success and are willing to be more disciplined this time around I say ‘Ad Meliora’ – ‘Onwards to better things.’

If you would like to read other articles please visit here.

If you would like to have a discussion about personal coaching then I can point you in the right direction, hit me up in a message…

Victor Not Victim – A Personal Walkthrough

So today I woke up angry, frustrated and pissed off. Sue me, I’m human.

The trigger was due to the accumulative effects of numerous issues which arose the day before. It was just one of those days that progressively got worse and worse until the point where it was nearly laughable.

The day involved everything from technology blow ups, being let down unexpectedly by others, losing important leads, communication blunders, losing the rugby, to not sleeping through the night. It was one thing after the next. No sooner had I put down the phone did it call with another problem. We have all been there. Just one of those days…

So, I woke up this morning with a unique idea. I would walk people through the way I was going to re-frame and get back on the horse. This would document how I forcibly slap myself off of the victim bandwagon and get on with life. This is as transparent and honest as I can be about something that is happening real-time.

Step 1 – What Do I know?

Whenever someone gets ‘spooled up’ like I did the day prior, it is usually following a number of assumptions or assertions that have been placed into the narrative.

1.   In my instance it is very easy to assume that the ‘attack’ on me from multiple fronts is due to a higher and more insidious attempt to break me.

2.   That the people who let me down did so in order to deliberately annoy and frustrate me.

3.   That the leads we lost were a complete and utter waste of time.

4.   That the technology mishaps were entirely preventable

5.   That the rugby game we lost was the universe’s way of putting the ‘cherry on the cake.’

When you say it out loud one immediately starts to realise that it is a massive list of thoughts generated by self-rationalisation.

A narrative that directly places me in the cross hairs of a victim mindset.

Instead let’s look now at what I know to be true:

1.   I had a crappy day with a whole bunch of unrelated but equally frustrating events.

2.   The day prior was quite good and if I choose I could average it out and come out on top. Or better yet I could reinforce the fact that what happened one day is very unlikely to have full effect on the next.

3.   It is very unlikely that the interpersonal disappointments were malicious in any way. More likely it was how I chose to interpret them.

With that detailed, let’s move onto the next step…

If you are interested in learning more about the distinction between facts and assumptions, read this article I wrote previously.

Step 2 – Who do I choose to be?

My personal values are below. Let’s see how I can use my values in order to make better choices. In doing so I need to be 100% honest with myself and leave my ego and pride at the door. I need to ask myself some challenging questions.

Service

1.   Whilst I am wallowing in self-pity and anger, am I providing service to others? No

2.   Would the mindset I am currently demonstrating align with my reputation of service to others? No

3.   Are there better ways I can demonstrate service to others? Yes

4.   Will what I experienced recently redirect who I provide service to in the future? Partly Yes

Initiative

1.   Is there a more productive way of using my time in order to provide service to others? Yes

2.   Am I currently being forward leaning or reactive? Reactive

3.   Can I make a deliberate choice right now in order to demonstrate initiative of thought and activity? Yes

Accountability

1.   Did I have a part to play in the proceedings that happened the day prior? Yes

2.   Could I have responded in different ways that would be more resourceful? Yes

3.   Is this an opportunity for self-learning? Yes

4.   Are we now more informed about the realities with the people, technology and markets? Yes

5.   Will this allow me to adjust my style and approach in the future? Yes

Integrity

1.   Did you demonstrate integrity in the way you responded to stimuli? Yes, but I could have done better.

2.   Do you have a choice to demonstrate integrity moving forward? Yes

3.   Did we learn about other people’s integrity throughout the process? Yes

4.   Will this help in allowing me to better allocate our time to people with like-minded values? Yes

These questions, and others like them are the result of personal discipline to stop oneself getting worked up. It has taken me many years to realise my limits and personality flaws to the point where I can ask myself questions like this in order to snap myself back into the person I would like to be remembered as. In this way our values can become powerful circuit breakers.

Step 3 – Contextualise and re-frame

Moving forward I have to make some choices. The first is a choice as to whether I will whine like a little child and play the victim, or whether I choose to act like a mature adult that accepts their part to play in the events, learns from it and makes better choices in the future.

The second is whether I contextualise what I am experiencing with the real world.

1.   Is anyone dead or dying? No.

2.   In ten years time will I remember or care about the shit day? No.

3.   Have I personally dealt with worse? Hell yes!

Then get off your high horse and get back down to reality where you belong….

My decisions and choices moving forward:

1.   Today I will act in a way that acquits my values positively

2.   I will make more informed choices about the people I invest time in, the technologies we use, and the markets we service.

3.   Today I’ll re-frame with a chosen phrase of ‘shit happens’. Sometimes you have crappy days. Get over it.

4.   I’m going to start looking for opportunities and gaps and regain my hunt for ‘good people.’

Step 4 – Get on with it

It is time to execute on the promises, and implement the lessons learnt.

No excuses. Get it done!

Getting these things done is what we will define as success and winning.

Conclusion

I hope by walking people through this internal discussion and dialogue they can see some opportunities for their own personal growth. Either that or you now think I am a loony madman.

I trust that the importance of personal choice and accountability rings through and this resonates with the people who are currently ‘spooling up’.

I am confident that there is at least one person out there who might gain value from this article.

In closing I would like to quote Viktor Frankl:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

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If you would like a discussion about personal and professional development opportunities. Reach out and we can have a chat.

 

Author: David Neal – Director – The Eighth Mile Consulting